Officially Homesick

Today I left Dhaka at 7:30am to drive 4 hours to Chandpur where Matlab sits. The drive was incredible! We drove through narrow crowded alley ways, one-lane winding roads that were on dirt mounds amongst rice paddies, large bridges with boats of all sorts underneath... you name it, we drove through it! With about 20 minutes left of the ride, we had to drive the car onto a ferry to make our way across a shallow river to get to the final road that led us to Matlab.

When we pulled up in front of the guest house, it was moderately raining. I made my way inside the 3-story grey building to the small front desk where I  filled out a page of paperwork concerning my stay. A bellman carried my bag above his head as he led me up the stairs to my room on the third floor; two beds, a small balcony and a bathroom.

When the bellman closed the door on his way out, emotions flooded me. I immediately began wondering why I had come and felt utterly alone and just so far away from home and everything familiar. To make matters worse, I immediately saw 3 large fuzzy jumping spiders just like the one I killed in my shower last week in Dhaka. Each time I tried to kill one, it kept hopping away and I had to chase after it with my heart beating out of my chest. This officially pushed me over the edge. My two biggest fears were literally coming to life right in front of me: spiders and being alone. My bedroom was literally my own personal hell.

Avoiding an emotional meltdown, I kept myself busy by unpacking the very few things I had with me. 10 minutes later upon finishing, the same lonesome feelings came back. I remembered the bellman had mentioned something about notifying the cook that I was here so that he would make enough food for me come dinner time, so that was my next task. All I wanted to do was keep busy and avoid being alone because I knew I would bring myself to tears if I listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me how far away from home and how out of place I was.

The bellman that helped me earlier ended up taking me to the guest house dining area on the bottom floor, which consists of three rectangular tables with chairs. After notifying the cook I was there, the bellman offered me tea and biscuits. We made some small talk through our accents to one another and decided that he would show me to the hospital around 2pm.

At the hospital I met with Dr. Fazal, the head doctor at Matlab. Oddly enough, I do not have a supervisor here yet so I spoke with him about observation opportunities around the complex during my stay. He called in two soft-spoken Bangladeshi nurses from the Maternal and Child Health ward and introduced me to them. For tomorrow, I will meet with them at 9:30am in Dr. Fazal's office and go from there. Official plans while I am here are still in the works.

My meeting only lasted about 15 minutes, which left me an enormous amount of time until 7:30pm when dinner was going to be served in the guest house. Unsure of what to do, I walked along the brick trail that led back to the guest house and sat on a concrete bench that looked over the rice paddies beyond the complex. I have to say, it was quite beautiful.

Once again, I was on my own and my thoughts began to wander. I felt tears well up inside of me and figured I should stop trying to be so strong and just go to my room and let myself cry it out a bit. After all, were only human.

I decided to call my mother after shedding some tears, which seemed like a great and calming idea at the time, but initially just made me cry even harder when I heard her familiar and loving voice. I also spoke with my father, who is always full of wisdom and logical ways to end silly emotions that tend to overrun our thoughts. I am so thankful for my parents!!! We decided that 6 weeks is an extremely long time to be away from home, let alone to be out of the country for the first time on your own in Bangladesh! After throwing around some ideas, the decision has been made to cut my trip short. Instead of 6 weeks, I will leave after 4 weeks. My new departure date from Bangladesh will be the 22nd of this month; 12 days from today.

I initially did not want to do this because I felt as if I was giving up or letting people down, but who do I have to prove? I have been here for almost three weeks now and have seen and done SO many things. I am way outside of my comfort zone, which was one of my main goals in coming here, alongside learning more about the global health field. I didn't want to have an easy breezy, comfortable summer filled with a random waitress job in Mechanicsburg while I'm 20 years old with so much opportunity right in front of me.

I have learned more than I could have ever imagined and experienced a plethora of things I will never, ever forget. With that said, I still have 12 days here; I'm not leaving tomorrow! I still need to tough it out and there are still an incredible amount of experiences ahead of me. After all, I am at Matlab now, in a totally different area than I was prior. After getting some emotions out today and getting my head straight, I'm finally feeling like myself again.

I saw the sun begin to set around 7pm and decided it was probably the best medicine for my soul. I made my way back outside to the cement bench I was on earlier just in time for the sunset to begin. Different shades of cotton-candy magentas and blues filled the sky and reflected perfectly off of the rice paddies below. Muslim sunset prayers that were being sung were resounding all over the fields and my whole body began to relax and fill with happiness. I couldnt help but laugh to myself at the array of emotions I had gone through in just one day.

What a truly beautiful mess we are.

-C.